Untitled by Josef Kaplan

So you could totally arrest me right now?

I could. But trust me, you wouldn’t want me to. You really, really don’t. If I’m in your living room, you know you’re in trouble.

That’s the understatement of the year.

I’m not kidding.

Neither am I.

As long as you stay on the right side, you’ll be fine. For the last seven years, I’ve been a detective for Internet crimes against children. So if you ever see me, you know we’ve got you. If we come to your house, it’s all over. You’re going to be arrested. You’ve been having Internet conversations with me, and we’ve got all the evidence we need to take you down.

What’s your arrest catchphrase?

My catchphrase? Like a motto?

What do you say when you’re roughing up a perp? “On the floor, dirtbag!” “Book ’em, Danno!” That kind of thing.

Well, uh. (Long pause.) My job is to be a little girl.

Come again?

I play a little girl on the Internet. So whatever name I’m going by, that will probably be my catchphrase. If I’m Tanya, then it’ll be something like, “Tanya says hello.” And they’ll be like, “Tanya who?” And I’ll say, “You don’t know no Tanya, huh? I’m Tanya. Let’s go.” And that’s when the cuffs get slapped on you.

I’d be less concerned with the handcuffs than the fact that a seven foot bald man just introduced himself as Tanya.

(Laughs.) Yeah, they don’t like that very much.

Without any warning, Shaq grabs my hand, places it on his cock and holds it there. Then he guides my hand along the shaft so that I am stroking it with my fingertips. I can feel it throbbing, growing and getting stiffer by the second. The feeling is awesome. So is its size. I feel myself getting hot. Shaq was right: I do want to suck his beautiful, big, black cock. I close my eyes, trying to visualize myself sucking that long thick rod, and sigh audibly.

Shaq lets my hand drop and moves a large chair over, and sits down in it. As tall as he is, it would have been impossible for him to stand and for me to be on my knees trying to suck him. Shaq tells me he wants me to be naked when I suck him. He helps me to undress, and I parade my body in front of him seductively. He smiles his approval, then I get down on my knees directly in front of him and bring my head forward. I am face-to-face with, and staring in awe at, the colossal head of his erect penis. It has a big Cyclops eye.

“Is this what you want?” I say in a very seductive voice. Then I bend forward and begin to kiss his dick. I rub my finger on his cockhole, pinching it lightly as a drop of clear sticky fluid forms. I use my fingers to moisten the swollen glans. Shaq strokes my hair. I tease his cock with my kisses until he howls in agony. After more than half an hour of teasing him in this way, my lips part. I open my hot and tight mouth and pull his cock into it. Placing my right hand at the base of his penis for support, I guide the monstrous head in and out of my mouth. I thrust it in fast and then slowly pull it out. I suck the top half of his shaft while jerking off the lower half. With every beat I suck down quickly, and then gradually withdraw my lips so that he can see the saliva-coated shaft slide out of my mouth.

Then I change pace, roughly grabbing the base of his pole and jacking it off rapidly. At the same time, I bear down hard on the top half of the shaft and collapse my cheeks, responding to every piston-like stroke. Seeing my cheeks change shape from convex to concave, as I’m being mouth-fucked like that – it’s almost too much for him to bear. My hand slathers my saliva over the area I was jerking, causing him to vibrate and twitch. He says that it feels like electricity is shooting through his balls. He senses he is close, but he tells me that he wants to make it last.

“You’ll have to work harder than that to taste my cum, bitch! By the way, do you want me to cum in your mouth? No, on second thought, maybe I should cum on your face!”

“Please fuck my mouth more, I want you to fuck it until you cum!” I whisper in my throatiest and sexiest voice. My eyes must be wild with lust.

“Are you sure you can handle this kind of rough treatment, my little white sex bitch?”

I nod as best I can, and don’t move a muscle as his huge cock slams in and out of my mouth, inching a little deeper with each thrust. His huge balls slap against my wet chin.

Josef Kaplan says: 

“In this untitled poem, I interview Shaq, and then I give him a pretty good blowjob.”

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